28 Years of Knowledge, A-Z

28 years ago today, the world gave us the gift of Ellen.

Today, Ellen gives the world a gift in return. 28 years of insight.

Altoona: Make friends there. Someday you may need to find someone who ran way to join the circus there.

Babies: They better be tough – the world awaits.

Cheerios and chocolate chips: A balance meal.

Deserving: The only person who deserves to win a herd of cow is the person who is willing to become a cowherd.

Eleven Thirty AM: Best time of day for a wedding.

Fairway: Also known as paradise.

Goat: If you can hire one to watch your child, you’ll have a cheap babysitter.

Hip replacement: Don’t jump out of an airplane after having one.

If a $7,000 dress doesn’t make you happy: Nothing will.

Jezebel: Most names are better than this one. Except maybe Ebeneezer.

Kisses from the fruit cart man: Not a problem.

Liquor: If you can’t handle it, don’t drink it.

Manicotti: Much more complex to make than stuffed shells. In other words, don’t bother. Enjoy your stuffed shells instead.

Nice people: There are lots of them out there. It doesn’t mean you need to marry all of them

Ox: Be strong like one.

Pudding [chocolate]: Should be used for dipping pretzels.

Quiet: A gift from the angels who are the NICU nurses who hand out forbidden pacifiers.

Reminder: Don’t move to Hawaii. Those housing prices are out of control.

Sending a thank-you note: Wonderful

Thanking someone, in a note, for a thank-you note: Excessive

Upping pay and increasing benefits: Reasons to become a farmhand in 2015.

Vanity: The nicest compliment you can give someone on their appearance is to tell them they look like hot chocolate. It has no meaning, but makes them feel warm and loved.

Walkman: Plug in to books on tape and be as happy as a cucumber.

X-rays [dental]: If they offer you a free one, take it.

Yes, more cookies is the right answer.

Z, Jay : Wise beyond his years.

Happy Birthday

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Disaster Preparedness

Joaquin may have missed New York City, but Hurricane Season isn’t over yet. In case of an actual emergency, I have enough milk and toilet paper to share. But the supplies for blizzards – for which Pennsylvania natives are always prepared – and hurricanes – which don’t occur in land-locked Pennsylvania – are not the same. So, Florida-native Special Corespondent Dana has this advice:

water over milk – ain’t no snow to pack it in

For more on how to survive nature, the Weather-Ready Nation is here for you.

Motto of the Month: October

“Meh.”

– Special Correspondent Ellen

There are times when excitement is warranted, such a for holidays and birthdays. There are other times when a marked lack of excitement is necessary, such as for months without festivities. For those times, there is only one word that fits the bill. “Meh,” is that word. However, the word alone is not enough. You’ve got to perfect the intonation and facial expression. Your tone should express both your utter disdain – to the extent that you could barely be bothered to even comment. Your face should be nearly immobile, except for a slight scrunching of the nose; as though you think you’ve smelled something bad, but don’t care to inhale any deeper to make sure that there is an actual foul odor. If you need tips, ask Special Correspondent Ellen; she’s got it down to a science.

Happy Mar Cheshvan